I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.
~Lyndon B Johnson
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
I've never won an argument with my wife; and the only time I thought I had, I found out the argument wasn't over yet.
There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
Any married man should forget his mistakes — no use two people remembering the same thing.
The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
~Leo J Burke
Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
Home cooking: where many a man thinks his wife is.
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued.
Marriage is the operation by which a woman's vanity and a man's egotism are extracted without an anaesthetic.
At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
I know that marriage is a legal and religious alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.
Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.
If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.
You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding.
~Attributed to a 10-year-old named Jim
It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble.
~Kenny, a 7-year-old named, when asked if it's better to be single or married
Marriage is nature's way of ensuring that a woman picks up some mothering experience before she has her first child.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
~H V Prochnow
After a few years of marriage, a man can look right at a woman without seeing her — and a woman can see right through a man without looking at him.
The reason they're called the opposite sex is because every time you think you have your wife fooled — it's just the opposite!
Marriage changes passion — suddenly you're in bed with a relative. ~Author Unknown
English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in?
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.
There is so little difference between husbands you might as well keep the first.
~Adela Rogers St Johns
Mistress: something between a mister and a mattress.
Mother-in-law: a woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.
We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake thinking about something you said; after marriage , he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it.
When a man marries a woman, they become one - the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
~Croft M Pentz
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.
Matrimony is a process by which a grocer acquired an account the florist had.
A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
~H L Mencken
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
It was Mrs. Campbell, for instance, who, on a celebrated occasion, threw her companion into a flurry by describing her recent marriage as "the deep, deep peace of the double-bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-lounge.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.