Fun Quotes
  Fun Quotes

Sense of humor: A thread of illuminated intelligence that links two opposite ideas.
~Thomas Lansing Masson

The secret to humor is surprise.

Wit: Wit is the epitaph of an emotion. 
~Friedrich Nietzsche, 

Nature has a pretty sick sense of humor.
~Kelly Braffet​

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
~Groucho Marx

A conglomerate heap of trash, that's what I am. But it burns with a high flame.
~Ray Bradbury

I am a tender, beautiful and loving guy that happens to slap a photographer now and then because they get in my way.
~Liam Gallagher

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.
~Jay London

That's the great thing about a sense of humor and a sex drive, you can't wait to share it with everybody else.
~Dolly Parton

I'm not anorexic. I'm from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I've never heard of one. And that includes me.
~Jessica Simpson

Is this chicken or is this fish?
~Jessica Simpson

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
~Joan Rivers

Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched.
~Mindy Kaling

Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.
~George Ade

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
~Charles Lamb

The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.
~Miguel de Cervantes

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
~Darynda Jones

Did you ever think that making a speech on economy is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.
~Lyndon B Johnson

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
~Earl Wilson

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
~Dave Barry

A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted.
~Helen Rowland

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.
~Yogi Berra

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.
~Quentin Crisp

Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
~Jerry Seinfeld

Good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere
~Helen Gurley Brown

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
~Ellen DeGeneres

I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone.
~Audrey Hepburn

I only go out to get me a fresh appetite for being alone.
~Lord Byron

If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.
~Wilson Mizner

When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!
~Matt Groening

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
~Norm Crosby

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
~Jerry Seinfeld

One possible reason that I don't believe in fate is that I wasn't fated to.
~Ashleigh Brilliant

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
~Benny Hill

If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie.
~Ashleigh Brilliant

When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course.
~Peter Drucker

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
~Robert Frost

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
~Charlotte Whitton

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.
~Joseph Conrad

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
~Woody Allen

There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper.
~Camille Paglia

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
~Lewis Grizzard

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
~Stephen Colbert

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
~Jerry Seinfeld

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
~Elayne Boosler

The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.
~Robert Conquest

Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
~Adi Da 

If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important Rule of Beauty. “Who cares?”
~Tina Fey

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
~Patrick Murray

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
~Dan Chaon

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
~Gilbert K Chesterton

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
~Steven Wright

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
~Douglas Adams

The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.
~Rachel Vincent

Do we have to know who's gay and who's straight? Can't we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?
~Ellen DeGeneres

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.
~Will Rogers

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.
~Woody Allen

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.
~Mark Twain

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.
~Sam Ewing

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
~Ashleigh Brilliant

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
~Woody Allen

Men are simpler than you imagine my sweet child. But what goes on in the twisted, tortuous minds of women would baffle anyone.
~Daphne du Maurier

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
~Milton Berle

It takes a smart brunette to play a dumb blonde.
~Marilyn Monroe

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.
~Marilyn Monroe

President Kennedy is very democratic and very penetrating.
~Marilyn Monroe

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
~Lana Turner

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
~Erma Bombeck

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
~Groucho Marx

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen."
~Rita Rudner

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.
~Marlene Dietrich

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
~Henny Youngman

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
~Joan Rivers

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
~Timothy Leary

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
~A Whitney Brown

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
~Miles Kington

Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.
~Mark Twain

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
~Emo Philips

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
~Lily Tomlin

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
~Dave Barry

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
~Walter Matthau

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
~Doug Larson

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
~George Carlin

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
~Mark Twain

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
~Robert Bloch

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
~Billy Sunday

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.
~Mark Twain

A conclusion is the place you get to when you’re tired of thinking.
~Jill Shalvis

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
~Albert Einstein

It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.
~Ronald Reagan

You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.
~Yogi Berra

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
~Jerry Seinfeld

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
~Rita Rudner

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
~George Burns

A man who correctly guesses a woman`s age may be smart, but he's not very bright.
~Lucille Ball

The trouble with most comedians who try to do satire is that they are essentially brash, noisy and indelicate people who have to use a sledge hammer to smash a butterfly.
~Imogene Coca

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
~Steven Wright

When you're about to criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
~Ann Brashares

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
~Will Rogers

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
~Steven Wright



THEIR PAGE: Quoted Comedians

Alonzo Bodden

Amy Poehler

Ashleigh Brilliant

Bob Hope

Dave Barry

David Letterman

Don Rickles

Dorothy Parker

Ellen DeGeneres 

George Burns

George Carlin

Jack Benny

Jay Leno

Jerry Seinfeld

Joan Rivers

Johnny Carson

John Oliver

Mark Twain

Matt Groening

Milton Berle

Paula Poundstone

Phyllis Diller

Rita Rudner

Robert Benchley

Steven Colbert

Steven Wright

Tina Fey

Will Rogers

Woody Allen

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Curated by:  Wordgrove​