If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
A conglomerate heap of trash, that's what I am. But it burns with a high flame.
I am a tender, beautiful and loving guy that happens to slap a photographer now and then because they get in my way.
I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.
That's the great thing about a sense of humor and a sex drive, you can't wait to share it with everybody else.
I'm not anorexic. I'm from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I've never heard of one. And that includes me.
Is this chicken or is this fish?
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched.
Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.
~Miguel de Cervantes
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
Did you ever think that making a speech on economy is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.
~Lyndon B Johnson
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted.
The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.
The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.
Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
Good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere
~Helen Gurley Brown
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone.
I only go out to get me a fresh appetite for being alone.
If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.
When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
One possible reason that I don't believe in fate is that I wasn't fated to.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie.
When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper.
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.
Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important Rule of Beauty. “Who cares?”
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
~Gilbert K Chesterton
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.
Do we have to know who's gay and who's straight? Can't we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?
All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.
I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
Men are simpler than you imagine my sweet child. But what goes on in the twisted, tortuous minds of women would baffle anyone.
~Daphne du Maurier
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
It takes a smart brunette to play a dumb blonde.
If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.
President Kennedy is very democratic and very penetrating.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen."
Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
~A Whitney Brown
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.
A conclusion is the place you get to when you’re tired of thinking.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.
You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
A man who correctly guesses a woman`s age may be smart, but he's not very bright.
The trouble with most comedians who try to do satire is that they are essentially brash, noisy and indelicate people who have to use a sledge hammer to smash a butterfly.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
When you're about to criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.